17 Weeks

This post doesn't have pictures.  I just don't have time right now.  I'll post some soon.  I do have a lot of really cute pictures on my camera.

The babies are now 17 weeks old, and we still have no idea when we might get to come home.  It seems it will still be a while.  I have definitely been having a lot of breakdowns lately.  The ENT came to scope Cade, and it was determined that he has bilateral vocal cord paralysis.  The doctors are all still trying to figure out the cause of this.  It is most likely not from the PDA surgery because that usually results only in left side vocal cord paralysis.  He had an MRI and it was normal which we were very happy about, but it doesn't shed any light on the cause of this.  He will be able to vocalize; the problem will be with breathing.  Depending on how open or closed they are, he may not be able to get enough air.  There is a possibility that he would need a tracheotomy which has left me feeling devastated for days now.  Although, I know that this is not a life or death sentence, it has felt that way to me.  I know that it's not like they told me he has cancer or some other terrible disease, but I just can't accept that he may have to have a tracheotomy.  Yet, I know that I will have to accept it if he needs one.  I want him to be able to breathe.  In some cases, traches are necessary, and in others, they are not.  It's just so hard because I thought we had passed the point of needing one since he has been off of oxygen for so long now.  Spontaneous recovery of vocal cord function can happen in about 60-65% of the time (from what I have read on the internet), so we are praying every day that this will happen.  The doctors are pretty much stumped because they haven't seen any cases of bilateral vocal cord paralysis.  The head of the NICU said she will be consulting with other doctors and ENTs this week.  We are praying for yet another miracle. 

Jimmy has dealt with this so much better than I have.  I asked him why he wasn't as worried as I was, and he told me he didn't see any point in it.  He said as he sees it there's not much we can do about it, we still have our son, and we will deal with whatever we are given.  I wish I could think like he does, but I'm not at that point.

I was excited to see that his MRI was normal.  I need to focus on the things he will be able to do instead of what he won't be able to do.  He won't be a football star, but he can still go hunting and fishing with his Daddy.  He can be a musician.  He can be an artist.  He can be an architect, lawyer, or doctor (or practically any other profession).  There are very few people who make a profession out of being a football star.  I just want him to live a happy, fulfilling life.  And, I suppose you can do that with or without a tracheotomy.

God, we pray for a miracle.  We pray that you give full mobility to Cade's vocal cords.  We pray for what the doctors call "spontaneous recovery" and what we call a "miracle".  I pray for strength for myself to get through this and to learn to accept the things I can not change.  We pray that Cade will not need a tracheotomy.  I know that I need to leave this in your healing hands and quit worrying myself sick.  In your name, Amen.