Counting My Blessings

"If I see another balloon, I'm going to scream." This is the thought I have had lately as I walk to or from the NICU passing all the happy families bringing flowers, teddy bears, and balloons to a new mom celebrating a full-term newborn. I've actually had the evil thought of carrying a stick pin around with me to pop the balloons. I know it's horrible, but I have to confess that I have thought it. I'm happy for these people. I really am. After all, I've been there. I've had that experience too.

I know that when you are trying to conceive, all you see around you are pregnant women. It begins to seem that everyone is pregnant but you. The truth is they have always been there, you just start noticing them more when it's something you want. This is the same situation when going to the NICU. I constantly see the proud grandparents toting their balloons and teddy bears, the fatigued fathers carrying in their car seats, the proud mothers being wheeled out to their cars to take their babies home. It's like a constant movie of the things I'm not allowed.

The other day I was taking the elevator up to the NICU. I usually take the stairs, but I was in a hurry. Just as the doors were about to close, a lady was rushing in carrying nothing less than a teddy bear, flowers, and a gigantic balloon. This gigantic balloon was literally IN MY FACE as if taunting me of what I could not have. "Seriously, God?" Are you trying to make me crazy? Are you not already testing my patience enough? How much more do you think I can handle?

Then a few days later, Brenna was walking into the hospital with me. We were passing by the fertility clinic, and she was skipping along. A couple came out of the doors and looked at Brenna with a smile and what I interpreted as longing. At that moment, I thought here I am blessed three times over and this couple may just want to be pregnant for once. I was given a beautiful gift from heaven three years ago with Brenna's birth. Then, we decided to try for one more. We only asked for one, but God gave us two more - a double blessing!

God may be testing my patience, but He is also teaching me to be thankful and to count my blessings, of which I have an abundance. (Or on a side note, maybe my lesson is to take the stairs! Ha! Ha!)

12 Weeks Old

Cade smiling while Nanny is holding him. Maybe he just had gas, but it looks like a smile to me!

Cade showing us how big he is. He is in a newborn sleeper instead of a preemie one. Notice how the sleeves are rolled up though and his feet only reach just past the knees of the sleeper.

Cade holding Daddy's finger at just a few days old above, and Cade holding Daddy's finger at 12 weeks old below.

Camdyn sleeping so sweetly. She just got rid of those tubes in her mouth when she was moved to 2 liters on the cannula. I think she is going to be so much happier without those in her mouth.

Brenna looking into Cade's crib. He was looking at her too. So cute!

Brenna helping take Cade's temperature.

This was supposed to be a cute picture of my 3 kiddos, but it didn't really work out. I thought it was too funny, so I had to post it. Camdyn is sticking out her tongue, Cade is looking off to the side, and Brenna has a fake smile. I think this may be an indication of what is to come. I hope they will all cooperate for a picture at some point.


Update -

Both Camdyn and Cade are doing remarkably well. We are so thrilled with all the progress they have made. They prove to me every day how strong they are. They are both in the low 20s on oxygen. Tonight when we visited, they were both on 21%! (That's the best you can be; it's what we breathe.) Cade has been lowered to 1 liter on his nasal cannula, and Camdyn has been lowered to 2 liters on hers.

At 2 liters, she was able to get rid of the feeding tube and vent tube in her mouth. They both now have the feeding tubes in their nose which sounds really bad, but it is actually much more comfortable for them. This also allows them to breastfeed/bottle feed. Cade is doing better with breast and bottle feeding. He now gets 2 bottles per day and breastfed once a day. He is still not taking all of the bottles, so he will not be given more bottle feeds until he does. The rest of his feeds are given through the tube. Camdyn will not be able to start breast and bottle feeding until she is back to bolus feeds (feedings at interval times). Right now she is on continuous feeds. She was put back on continuous feeds after having the big brady/apnea episode. They don't want to stress her tummy. She really needs to grow and get stronger before they will put her back on bolus feeds.

Cade now weighs 5 lbs. 3 oz, and Camdyn weighs 3 lbs. 10 oz. When they stopped her feeds and put her on the IV as a precaution for a possible infection, that really set her back on gaining weight. Luckily, she did not have an infection, but they had to work their way back up to full feeds with her. Even though it was hard to see her not gaining weight, I know that the doctors know what's best. She is now getting breast milk with 24 calorie formula added to help her gain weight. Cade is on a 22 calorie formula added to the breast milk. Camdyn is still not in an open crib. They have to be 4 lbs and able to maintain their temperature to get moved to an open crib. So, that is her next goal.

Our babies are almost into the "feeder/grower" category of NICU babies. That is actually what they call the babies who no longer need ventilators, CPAP, or high flow cannulas. They can still be on a low flow or low oxygen. These are the babies who just need to learn to take all their feeds by breast or bottle and grow. Cade is pretty much a "feeder/grower", but Camdyn is not quite there yet. Doesn't "feeder/grower" sound like raising livestock? Although it sounds terrible, it is a title we will gladly take!

Am I crazy pretending to be normal or normal pretending to be crazy?

I'm not sure if I am crazy for pretending to be normal or normal for pretending to be crazy? I have encountered several situations where I just act like everything is normal because I don't want to go into the whole long story.

I went to get a much needed massage a few weeks ago. I asked for a pillow to put under my chest since my breasts are tender from pumping. I said, "Can I get a pillow for my chest since I am breastfeeding?" I was not at that point actually breastfeeding; it was just easier to say that instead of saying pumping. The therapist said, "Oh, you are breastfeeding. I'm sure that keeps you busy." I just said, "yes, it does." I spared her the whole story. What would she have said if I said, "Well, actually I'm not breastfeeding. I'm pumping around the clock to supply milk for my micro-preemies who are fed through a feeding tube. I won't be able to breastfeed them for weeks. In fact, I was just recently able to hold them." See how much easier it is to just pretend to be crazy.

I bought scrapbooks for the babies. I came up to the register with a pink scrapbook and blue scrapbook in tow. Of course, the cashier said, "Oh, you have twins. How old are they?" I just answered "10 weeks old". She too said, "you must be so busy". I just said, "Yes, I am." What I wanted to say was "You have no idea. My babies are actually not even supposed to be born for another 6 weeks."

Just a few days ago I went to buy Cade some newborn sized clothes, and I bought Camdyn a cute preemie sleeper. When I went to check out, the cashier said, "Oh, you have a preemie." I said, "yes". I did not say, "Well, actually I had two micro-preemies who just recently began to fit in preemie clothes. These newborn sized clothes are for my almost 3 month old son, and my almost 3 month old daughter will still be wearing preemie clothes."

Sometimes it is just easier to pretend I'm crazy. Perhaps, I like to pretend I am normal. At times like these, I like to pretend that I just recently gave birth to full-term twins who are now home with me. I like to pretend I am able to breast feed them both. When strangers say, "you must be busy," I would like to pretend that is because I am up all night feeding them and rocking them back to sleep instead of busy because I am constantly going to the NICU. So, who is to say what is crazy and what is normal? I would probably actually go crazy if I did not, at times, pretend to be so.

11 weeks old

Camdyn and Cade are now 11 weeks old. They are both doing well. I am so proud of all they have accomplished and how far they have come. Theyare simply AMAZING!

Camdyn is getting back on track now. She is back on nasal cannula. She was put back on 4 liters, and is now down to 3 liters. She started feeds again, but they decided to put her on continuous feeds at a much lower volume to help control the possible reflux episodes. She will have to work her way back up to full feeds. She was getting 32 mL and now she is getting 12 mL. Both babies were given diuretics to help rid them of excess fluids. They both lost a little weight (water weight) due to that which is what the doctors wanted. After that, Camdyn has been in the low 20s on her oxygen, so that is awesome! She has been on 21% for a while now. That's what we breathe! She now weighs 3 lbs. 9 oz. I am hoping she starts gaining more actual weight, not water weight. It was determined that she did not have an infection after all. (Thank You God.) They think it was a severe reflux reaction. That is why they are taking things really slow and watching her closely as they increase her feeds.

Cade is doing great. His oxygen requirements are a little bit higher than Camdyn's; they are in the high 20s - low 30s which is still good. The diuretics didn't quite work as well on him. He likes to hold on to all of his weight. He is working on taking his bottles and breastfeeding. He gets 2 bottles per day and the rest of his feeds are through the feeding tube. He doesn't always take all of his bottle. He does try to breastfeed, but he is still not quite strong enough to have an effective suck. He is getting so adorable. He is very alert now and looks around everywhere. It is precious! He now weighs 4 lbs. 14 oz. He was at the 5 lb. mark but lost a little with the diuretics. I went to buy newborn sized clothes because his preemie clothes are getting a little small. The newborn clothes look huge! It's crazy that I will soon have 3 month olds who will be wearing preemie (Camdyn) and newborn sized (Cade) clothes.

Boobs

How can I not dedicate a post to boobs? That's right, boobs. After all, they do dictate my schedule these days. Here are some interesting facts that I have learned about boobs:

1. Boobs know if you have delivered early and make special milk for preemies.

"The human body is amazing, though. It knows when a baby has come early and tries to protect the infant by producing special breast milk to compensate for some of what is missed in the womb. Preterm breast milk differs from full-term milk in that it is higher in calories and contains more protein, calcium phosphorous, magnesium, zinc, sodium, and chloride."

Isn't that amazing?

2. Boobs will change temperature to keep your baby warm or cool him/her down in kangaroo care (holding your unclothed baby against your chest skin to skin). One study even shows that each boob can change temperatures independently of each other depending on the temperature of each infant when kangarooing one twin against each breast.

You can read the whole study at www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1890034/
I find both of those facts so fascinating.


Maybe, I have gone crazy. I thought it would be fun to write an "Ode to Boobs," so here it is:

Ode to Boobs

Oh, Boobs, how you control me.

I wake to your full, engorged glory.

You pain me and demand my attention.

The indulgence known as sleep, you do not allow me.

All hope of timeliness is lost on you.

You dictate a schedule of pumping and will not be ignored.

Oh, how I have tried.

Despite your time-consuming, attention-seeking, all-demanding manner,

I adore thee.

You provide nutrient-rich milk for precious babes,

and create perfect pillows upon which tiny heads rest.

Babes sleep soundly against thee as they listen to the rhythm of a heartbeat

and feel the rise and fall of each breath.

Indeed, you are both - painful and beautiful.

Oh, Boobs, I do despise thee and love thee.

A few more notes about boobs:

Everyone says breastfeeding saves so much money by not having to buy formula. Well, that is not the case for pumping. I spend $70 per month to rent the hospital-grade breast pump which is recommended when you have babies in the NICU. Then, I had to buy the accessory pieces at another $50. I have to buy the storage bags at $10 for 50 bags. I think there is a monopoly on breast milk bags. Each bag is 20 cents. Ziploc bags are practically the same thing but they don't work well for storing breast milk, but you don't pay $10 for Ziploc bags. Then, we have to buy the steam bags at $5-6 for 5 bags - again a rip off. It's a plastic bag for $1 each. We also have to buy baby wash because regular detergent is too harsh. Oh, and don't forget the nipple butter for cracked nipples at $8 a tube.

As if pumping alone was not time-consuming enough, the preparation that is required with having babies in the NICU is extreme. First, we wash our hands, then wash all the bottles and pieces with baby soap since regular soap is too harsh, then we have to steam all the pieces in steam bags. Finally it is time to pump. After pumping, we pour the milk into the storage bag and label each bag, not with just the date and time, but with two separate stickers given to us by the NICU, one for Camdyn and one for Cade. Then it's time to put it in the freezer, but oh wait, there is no room in the freezer. Time to break out the 2.5 gallon freezer bags. Put all the little milk storage freezer bags into the big freezer bag and take it out to the deep freezer in the garage. Next we haul some bags to the hospital for the babies. Whew!

My math skills from school are definitely being used. Here's my daily calculations. Camdyn gets 30 mL and Cade gets 42 mL every 3 hours 8 times a day. Add 2 mL to each to account for the amount that goes into the tubing. That's 76 mL every 3 hours 8 times a day. That's 608 mL per day. There are 30 mL in an ounce, so divide 608 by 30. That comes to 20 oz. per day. Then, I have to figure how much I am making and how much I can bring to the NICU fresh before it expires in a 24 hour period. That calculation can change depending on if the nurses have already taken out frozen milk and if so, how much. Their feed amount also changes so the calculations are constant. There's a math problem for you math teachers out there to give your students.

You know you are pumping all the time when your toddler has created a "boobie pump" dance. Brenna says, "Mommy, this is how boobie pumps go" while pretending to hold a breast pump on her chest. She moves her whole body back and forth while making the sound of the breast pump - "pshhh, pshhh, pshhh". It is quite hilarious.

Some of you have had the pleasure of seeing her "boobie pump" dance. It cracks me up!

Hope you have enjoyed my boob post!

Happy Father's Day!

This post is dedicated to my wonderful husband who is the most amazing father. As I am typing this, he is sitting on our living room floor playing Polly Pockets and princesses with Brenna. He can find matching Polly shoes and name all of the princesses. Pretty impressive, right? I'm sure that he can't wait to play trucks with Cade, and he will already know how to play girly things with Camdyn.

Throughout this whole crazy NICU experience, he has been great. I have posted some of my favorite pictures of Daddy with the twins. I know that I would not have been able to go through this without him. He is always there to support me when I have my breakdowns. He assures me that everything is going to be alright and that we, together, will get through this. I love seeing him with our tiny precious babies. I look forward to the day that we can all be home together.

Daddy giving Cade a bottle.

Daddy holding Camdyn


Daddy holding Cade's tiny hand


Daddy supporting me as we look into Camdyn's isolette during the very early days.

Daddy taking Camdyn's temperature. Look how big the thermometer looks next to Camdyn.

Daddy holding Cade for the first time.

Daddy holding Camdyn for the first time.

Happy Father's Day Daddy! We all love you!

Love - Michelle, Brenna, Camdyn, & Cade

NICU shuffle

Cade has really been progressing well. He got to take his first bottle yesterday (6/19). He drank the whole thing. The nurses were very surprised at how well he did. They said that preemies usually tire out and only take a little bit of their first few bottles. This morning (6/20) I was able to try breastfeeding him for the first time. What an amazing feeling! He actually latched on! I don't think he really got any milk though because his suck is not quite strong enough to let the milk down, but he was sucking great. It won't be long before he can actually breastfeed. I am so excited! Then, Jimmy got to give him a bottle, and he did great with that too. I don't think Cade is going to have any problems eating.

Camdyn has had a setback. She was moved back on to CPAP because she was having some severe apnea spells where she wasn't breathing. The CPAP can give her a set amount of breaths per minute to remind her to breathe. They put in an IV and started an antibiotic. They think she may have some type of infection, so they are starting the antibiotics to treat whatever it might be. The blood and urine cultures won't tell us for sure what it is for 48 hours. They have stopped her feeds until they can make a determination. Hopefully, they will figure it out soon and be able to give her what she needs to get better. It was so sad to see her on CPAP again with an IV. We thought we were past that, but they constantly remind us that we take a few steps forward and then a few back as we do what is nicknamed the "NICU shuffle." I'm all for dancing, but this is a dance I'd rather not do. We only want steps forward.

God, we thank you for all the progress Cade has made. We are thankful that he is feeding so well. I am thankful that I finally was able to put him to my breast as nature intended. It was a beautiful experience. We ask for continued progress for both Cade and Camdyn. We pray that Camdyn is able to overcome whatever infection she may have soon. We pray that she is able to start feeds again soon and gain more weight. We ask you to guide their doctors as they take care of them. In your name, Amen.