Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Am I crazy pretending to be normal or normal pretending to be crazy?

I'm not sure if I am crazy for pretending to be normal or normal for pretending to be crazy? I have encountered several situations where I just act like everything is normal because I don't want to go into the whole long story.

I went to get a much needed massage a few weeks ago. I asked for a pillow to put under my chest since my breasts are tender from pumping. I said, "Can I get a pillow for my chest since I am breastfeeding?" I was not at that point actually breastfeeding; it was just easier to say that instead of saying pumping. The therapist said, "Oh, you are breastfeeding. I'm sure that keeps you busy." I just said, "yes, it does." I spared her the whole story. What would she have said if I said, "Well, actually I'm not breastfeeding. I'm pumping around the clock to supply milk for my micro-preemies who are fed through a feeding tube. I won't be able to breastfeed them for weeks. In fact, I was just recently able to hold them." See how much easier it is to just pretend to be crazy.

I bought scrapbooks for the babies. I came up to the register with a pink scrapbook and blue scrapbook in tow. Of course, the cashier said, "Oh, you have twins. How old are they?" I just answered "10 weeks old". She too said, "you must be so busy". I just said, "Yes, I am." What I wanted to say was "You have no idea. My babies are actually not even supposed to be born for another 6 weeks."

Just a few days ago I went to buy Cade some newborn sized clothes, and I bought Camdyn a cute preemie sleeper. When I went to check out, the cashier said, "Oh, you have a preemie." I said, "yes". I did not say, "Well, actually I had two micro-preemies who just recently began to fit in preemie clothes. These newborn sized clothes are for my almost 3 month old son, and my almost 3 month old daughter will still be wearing preemie clothes."

Sometimes it is just easier to pretend I'm crazy. Perhaps, I like to pretend I am normal. At times like these, I like to pretend that I just recently gave birth to full-term twins who are now home with me. I like to pretend I am able to breast feed them both. When strangers say, "you must be busy," I would like to pretend that is because I am up all night feeding them and rocking them back to sleep instead of busy because I am constantly going to the NICU. So, who is to say what is crazy and what is normal? I would probably actually go crazy if I did not, at times, pretend to be so.


Lindsay said...

All doing okay? haven't heard in many days.

Hope to see C&C soon.


Jessi said...

Oh I am so glad you posted this link on my blog. I needed to read this. I know I've said it before, but it's just nice to know I am not alone in this.