Saturday, April 17, 2010

bitter but trying to be positive


I am really not a bitter person. In fact, I am normally a pretty positive person.

I am bitter when:
- I see pregnant women - I think I should still be like that. My babies should still be inside of me. - I see people taking their babies home from the hospital - My babies have to live away from me for the first 4 months of their lives. And, although I know they need to be there and are receiving the best care, it's still really hard. I miss them and think about them all the time.
- I think about the fact that Jimmy only felt them kick about two times before they were born.
- I see all the maternity clothes in my closet that I haven't even worn yet.
- I see all the "giant" babies in the regular nursery. They all look so big and healthy, and I just want my babies to grow so badly. And, I know they will and I have to be patient, but it's so hard to see them struggling.
- I think about the fact that I never had a chance to take maternity pictures with this pregnancy.
- I look around the NICU and see other parents at least getting to hold their babies or give them a bottle. I know the time will come, but I just long to be able to hold them.
- I have to ask the nurses if it is okay to touch my babies' fingers. There are only certain times that they can be touched. I know it's best for them, but again, it is still very hard.
- I hear other babies cry in the NICU. My babies have breathing tubes so they aren't able to cry. I have never even heard them cry. Most people hear their babies cry right after birth. It has been 13 days now, and I still haven't heard them cry.

Now that I have all of that off my chest, let me try to be the positive person that I really am.

So, here are things that I am thankful for:
- God blessed me with a beautiful, healthy daughter, Brenna, and two beautiful twins, Camdyn and Cade.
- a wonderful husband
- loving, supportive family and friends
- I am thankful that my babies are stable and have both started feedings. In fact, their feeding amount is going up this afternoon which is progress.
- I am thankful that their PDA valve surgeries went well.
- I am thankful for advances in medicine and technology that have allowed my babies to have the support and care they need.
- I am thankful that Cade only had a grade one head bleed which has stopped and Camdyn has not had one at all.
- I am thankful that we were offered a place to call home during all of this and that we will have a new home soon.
- I look forward to the coming weeks/months when I will be able to see my babies eyes, see them off of the ventilators, hold them, feed them, rock them, and watch them grow.


Roxanne said...

You are an amazing woman! All of your babies are so lucky to have you as their mommy. I know that God has blessed you with many wonderful things in this life. But I know He will continue to bless you and watch over you and your babies. And one day soon you'll be able to love on your babies the way you so want to now. Keep the faith! I love you. xoxo Roxanne

ckarisch said...

Michelle, God knows that you are a positive person, he also knows that you have so many feelings built up inside that you need to get them out. He understands and He is always there for us and will listen to us, even when we may be a bit bitter. All our love and prayers to you, Jim, Brenna, Cade and Camdyn! Hugs!!! Aunt Laurie

Lachelle said...


The bitterness doesn't always pass but it does lessen a little with time. When I miscarried my twins, I tried so hard to focus on the positive aspects but I couldn't ignore the bitterness. And once I cried, prayed and made my peace with the bitterness, it was easier to stay positive. We are praying for you and having faith that God will give each one of you strength for another day. Love you Michelle!


yeli cerda said...

I have 14 days till my c-section. Quite miserable, but i try to think of you when i am bitchin, biteing everyone's head off. When my feet ache from being swollen. I know you would have wanted to experience some of these unwelcome end of the pregnancy nitemares. you would trade it in a heartbeat. So i wish you my best prayers. You will be lighting first year b-day candles before me this time. I beat you the last time. All in God's will. Amen which means i learned in later life, shall it yall are in my prayers. only one last bitch i swore to your mamma that was the last time i mopped pregnant with this pregnancy. man you don't realize how much you need your hips to mop! that was hard!!! good luck, glad to see you have faith. He is our only answer. love, yeli