bitter but trying to be positive

4/17/10

I am really not a bitter person. In fact, I am normally a pretty positive person.

I am bitter when:
- I see pregnant women - I think I should still be like that. My babies should still be inside of me. - I see people taking their babies home from the hospital - My babies have to live away from me for the first 4 months of their lives. And, although I know they need to be there and are receiving the best care, it's still really hard. I miss them and think about them all the time.
- I think about the fact that Jimmy only felt them kick about two times before they were born.
- I see all the maternity clothes in my closet that I haven't even worn yet.
- I see all the "giant" babies in the regular nursery. They all look so big and healthy, and I just want my babies to grow so badly. And, I know they will and I have to be patient, but it's so hard to see them struggling.
- I think about the fact that I never had a chance to take maternity pictures with this pregnancy.
- I look around the NICU and see other parents at least getting to hold their babies or give them a bottle. I know the time will come, but I just long to be able to hold them.
- I have to ask the nurses if it is okay to touch my babies' fingers. There are only certain times that they can be touched. I know it's best for them, but again, it is still very hard.
- I hear other babies cry in the NICU. My babies have breathing tubes so they aren't able to cry. I have never even heard them cry. Most people hear their babies cry right after birth. It has been 13 days now, and I still haven't heard them cry.

Now that I have all of that off my chest, let me try to be the positive person that I really am.

So, here are things that I am thankful for:
- God blessed me with a beautiful, healthy daughter, Brenna, and two beautiful twins, Camdyn and Cade.
- a wonderful husband
- loving, supportive family and friends
- I am thankful that my babies are stable and have both started feedings. In fact, their feeding amount is going up this afternoon which is progress.
- I am thankful that their PDA valve surgeries went well.
- I am thankful for advances in medicine and technology that have allowed my babies to have the support and care they need.
- I am thankful that Cade only had a grade one head bleed which has stopped and Camdyn has not had one at all.
- I am thankful that we were offered a place to call home during all of this and that we will have a new home soon.
- I look forward to the coming weeks/months when I will be able to see my babies eyes, see them off of the ventilators, hold them, feed them, rock them, and watch them grow.